Settling Up

My mom and I rarely discussed relationships or boys when I was a teenager, and I preferred it that way. I wasn't an awkward teen. Not a nerd, nor a wallflower. I was outgoing, confident, had plenty of friends, dressed in the latest cool clothes and survived both middle and high schools unscathed. But boys didn't get me, or I didn't get them. I'm not sure which. So, I went through high school without really ever having a boyfriend. Oh sure, I kissed a few boys, let them feel me up and what have you, but never a boyfriend to speak of. The only advice I really ever remember my mom giving me was, "don't get pregnant and always marry up".

This week I seem to be discussing marriage a lot among friends. Marriage is always one of those subjects that people either blab too much of their intimate relations and then have blabbers remorse or they only say the positive aspects of their marriage in which the rest of us look at them and think: bullshit. I'm not sure which is better. It is rare to find a friend that can listen to your latest gripe without comparing her own marriage and feeling triumphant that she isn't as fucked** up as you. Women are jealous creatures, after all.

Several years before I married my husband, I was head over heels in love with another guy that I was certain I would marry. He was accomplished, smart, cultured and philanthropic. In the words of his mother, he looked good on paper. (Yes, his mother actually said that to me). On the other hand, he was selfish, mean-spirited and superficial. In the end, the latter qualities trumped the 'good on paper' ones and our relationship ended. I realized then that even though I may have 'married up' had we stayed together, I was really settling for less than the man I deserved.

Coincidently, my husband not only looks great on paper, he looks pretty damn good in person too. Would he enjoy an evening of Maya Angelou readings over a beer at a dive bar? No way. Does he prefer the bright lights of the city over a quiet small town? Never. In the end I suppose I didn't marry up. I would say I settled up. I settled for kindness, humor, security and generosity - which is probably what my mother meant in the first place. Have a blabbed too much?

Marriage is both simple and complicated. We give all of ourselves to one person and hope like hell they don't drive us into the ground. We can make ourselves crazy analyzing our fights, trying to be right, trying to change our spouse or just trying to hold it all together when it is inexplicably falling apart. And we do all of this while having babies, raising children and working like mad. It is no wonder most of us are ending up divorced. I think it is like this: fall crazy in love, get married and hold on for dear life while riding that roller coaster. You might be scared to death, but the thrill of the ride can't be matched.



**Sorry for the profanity in this post, but you aren't a kid, right? And if you are letting your kid read this, then quit judging me and get a mirror.